Sometimes when you serve, you will go away feeling happy. When you serve, you will go away feeling indifferent or neutral; other times you will leave mad and upset.
That is ok. In fact, it is normal. If other people don’t see your inner life, that is fine, as long as you are working on your inner life. Your inner life most of the time doesn’t hurt people. Your outer life is the one that hurts people. Naming calling, violence, unkept promises, may originate in your inner life, but they can also be extinguished, and redirected before they become part of your outer life. Bring good into the world.
The goal and objective of service is to help other people. Personal fulfillment isn’t the goal of service. Emotional authenticity isn’t the goal of service. If meeting your needs is the goal of service, you run the risk of burning yourself out. These are by-products of your service but like a late bus or a late train, or ice cream that melts. Positive feelings come and go. Making them the number priority carries risk.
I can also spend too much time measuring my own feelings, my own self-worth, my own identify, or my own belief systems.
If I am constantly doing that, who is being served ?
Instead, battle to be thankful. Fight to lower your internal expectations. Allow yourself to be wrong, to be curious. To ask questions, When in doubt, keep serving. Serving is better than hurting, even when you are hurting.
Choosing to be internally positive is hard. Fight the battle anyway.
Embrace what sad inside of you is. Embrace what angry inside of you is. Allow it to be your guide as you walk your path.
Then serve. Be of use.